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Friday, April 21st, 2006
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2:43 pm
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| Monday, March 13th, 2006
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5:47 pm - i like books
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last night i shared drinks and kisses with the third librarian to wander into my life...
i love to read, but this, this is a bit superfluous.
current music: missed me - dresden dolls
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| Monday, January 23rd, 2006
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7:34 pm
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i am in love with this weekend.
worked all day friday. went out for drinks with alice at bog. i heart alice. she's one of those people that scares the hell out of you because she is a) my boss, b) one of the most intelligent people i've ever met and c) supermodel beautiful. but she's also beyond funny, my kind of funny. which is good good good. anyway, went to bog. got a call from a fellow co-worker who was at the e-room with a bunch of our friends. alice and i finished our drinks and made a quick dash to the door and over to the e-room. ended up meeting this incredibly gorgeous girl, who i'v spent way too much time with this weekend.
saturday worked all day. after work i met up with my manager tomas and his partner wade at our friend jeffrey's house. he lives in the pearl district. has anyone ever been into a pearl district apartment???? it's out of control. a view to kill for. cathedral ceilings. high tech kitchen. oh goodness. i had to hold myself back from asking if jeffrey and his partner were looking to adopt a wonderful 23 year old girl. from jeffrey's we went to boxes (the club). I HATE BOXES with a burning fiery passion deep within my little soul. BUT, for some reason I end up there weekend after weekend. I managed to escape rather untraumatized after a few hours.
sunday...day off!!! i went out to breakfast (late late breakfast) with alice at the stepping stone (highly recommend) and then headed to the airport to pick up the third amigo. after six long days at home in indiana, courtney's back. it's amazing how close the three of us have become. those two are my heart and soul. we got to the airport early, so alice bought a trashy magazine and we read it out loud to each other, much to the disgust of fellow airport patrons. finally, courtney arrived. one blockbuster stop, one thai food pick-up, and a beer stop, we finally made it back to alice's. watched "march of the penguins"...breathtaking and amazing (i may or may not have cried a little bit). after the movie i met up with my dear friend andi whom i haven't seen in weeks. it was good to catch up with her, even if it always feels a little one-sided. then off to the e-room to meet up with the new girl to watch the l-word.
oh the new girl (she deserves a new paragraph). beautiful. 21. when did 21 become so young? well, it did. but yeah. i have a crush. but i'm taking it slow. it's just nice. first it was rachel, who i didn't really like, but who really liked me. then it was t. we had the mutual liking thing going on, but living another country is a little trying on a budding relationship. now, i like this girl who likes me AND lives in portland. regardless, i'm not setting myself up for failure, or anything, for that matter.
that's life.
it feels good to be surrounded by people i love and admire.
it feels good to laugh.
it feels good to kiss someone and really like it.
it feels good to enjoy your job, but also relish days off.
it feels good to be content.
current music: time after time - cyndi lauper
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| Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
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10:50 am
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I am currently a coffee shop refugee. Some sort of manager walk-through in my building has prompted an extremely early wake-up on my part and many hours at my coffee shop. I could stay in my apartment, but that's just awkward...buildling manager looking at my place while I'm there.
I hate the idea of new year's resolutions - setting oneself up for ultimate failure just seems ridiculous -but I've had a lot of time to think (that's a lie, I've had a little time to think and a lot on my mind) and here is an abbreviated list of things I would like to see happen/change in the next year.
1. Move out of said apartment. I hate the torture of parking in NW. I hate the small space. I hate the lack of connection. I hate not being able to have a dog.
2. Drink less (a little bit of detox would be a positive thing).
3. Grow in my job.
Ok. so it's short, but that's alot. Sort of.
This time last year, wow. I can barely remember who I was. I was a crazy stressball. In love and out. Writing a thesis. Applying to be an RD. I was consumed and unhappy. This year, I still struggle with certain aspects of life, but I feel centered. A little bit complete.
current music: Al Green - Full of Fire
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| Friday, January 6th, 2006
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4:10 pm - looking back.
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January 2005:
the days are going by too quickly.
February 2005:
my motivation level is at zero .
March 2005:
I have a biology mid-term tomorrow and I can not bring myself to study. Rather, I am drinking diet coke and eating sour gummi worms.
April 2005:
In the last twelve hours it feels as if my life has been turned upside down.
May 2005:
I am so tired that it hurts. Literally hurts. My body just aches.
June 2005:
Like I mentioned in my last post, I got a job as a telemarketer.Then I got fired/quit. That was fun. So, the job search continued. I got a job two days later. At Dosha (salonspa).
July 2005:
Life is life right now, I guess
August 2005:
i can't put my finger on the right place to begin, so i'll just shove off from here.
September 2005:
No update
October 2005:
i love my job. ahem. i love the people i work with. they are the kind of people you dream about finding after you graduate from college and take on a crap job.
November 2005:
i am currently harboring a great-dane-sized crush on a canadian drag king.
it feels like healing.
December 2005:
If you knew me five months ago, you probably don’t know me anymore. If you knew me five years ago, you wouldn’t recognize me.
That's my year. I still can't process everything that happened. I made mistakes; many of them. I destroyed myself for the majority of the year. I don't regret many things in life. I regret the first half of this year. The things I did to myself. The things I did to others. My dear friend told me over and over this summer that I would grow. That time would heal. It's beginning to. I wish I could reach out to the one that matters. It hurts to know that I will never be able to.
current music: Chris Pureka - Burning Bridges
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, November 28th, 2005
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4:57 pm
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If you knew me five months ago, you probably don’t know me anymore. If you knew me five years ago, you wouldn’t recognize me. I don’t hold on. Even when I think I will die if I let go. I never hold on. I don’t try to. I will always be a runner. I am uncomfortable with my past, but not in my skin. I feel right at home, right where I am. I’ve spent years recreating memories in my head. I’m afraid of this pattern. But more afraid of something I can’t touch. And so, I will continue to change. To never give too many pieces away. I can’t afford to be torn apart anymore. I am reckless with my heart, but dangerous with my mind. You can only grow so much before you are reborn.
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| Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
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5:00 pm
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i'm back. done with work for the day. hooray!
canada was so good. it's always a wee bit awkward spending three straight days with someone you barely know. but it was mostly comfortable. i was met with a great kiss and a six pack of strongbow. so good.
i drank alot. met a lot of amazing people. and yeah.
the drive home was miserable. forever in customs (i didn't get in trouble, the line was just damn long), 15mph (maximum!) from seattle through olympia...painful.
but i have kindereggs, crunchie bars, and a still large crush on a great lady.
i'm too tired to write more.
current music: the book of love - magnetic fields
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| Friday, November 18th, 2005
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10:24 am
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| You Should Get a JD (Juris Doctor) | 
You're logical, driven, and ruthless.
You'd make a mighty fine lawyer. |
now that, my friends, if hilarious.
moving on.
i'm going to canada this weekend. more to be sad following the grand adventure.
current music: ladytron - playgirl
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| Thursday, November 10th, 2005
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10:37 am
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I hate the curve balls life tosses sometimes. i feel like i'm trying to process eight million completely insane things at one time. i woke up yesterday and life was normal. i showered, got ready for work, drank two diet cokes, and walked to my coffee shop. it was unseasonably warm. i should have known then. warm weather in november will forever equate life changes. today is yet another testament to just such an occurance.
i've kept in contact with one person in my past. the one that i've loved more than anyone since sixth grade. we lost contact over the summer, but due to the persistant urging of my mother, we made contact again.
my best friend.
my partner in crime.
the beautiful one.
the one who understood the overwhelming fear of food.
my running buddy.
we will forever be 13.
swapping clothes.
talking on the phone for hours.
fighting.
picking on boys.
writing notes for each other.
my childhood shattered yesterday.
i'm not sure why it feels that way. but it does.
how can she be pregnant?
my first reaction was, oh, well that can be taken care of.
that's what we do when we're kids.
but we're not anymore.
we are adults.
people have babies at our age.
they have babies when they're way younger then us.
people have careers.
and get married.
and it's funny because a friend of mine and i had a conversation the night before about the pressure we feel to follow our parent's timeline. and how we don't feel that.
i hate not having the answers, but more then that, i hate feeling like i do and then realizing that i really don't. not at all. it makes me feel stupid. and useless.
and now.
my mom is going to mississippi to take care of abandoned hurrican katrina animals.
she's never been to the south.
does she know what she's getting into?
that it's not going to be as romantic as she thinks?
i'm angry because i can't let go. i'm tired of being responsible for all of my feelings. i wish i could release and watch people grow. i loved that. i did it for three years in college. watching someone change and evolve and become something more than they thought they could ever be is more amazing then anything in life. so, why can't i do that for the two people in the world that i would die for? let go and let them live without questioning.
feeling like you've made it so far and then realizing that you're still a little girl in a big world with a lot of unanswered questions certainly puts you in your place.
current music: Sparkleshorse - eyepennies
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| Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
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6:21 pm
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i am currently harboring a great-dane-sized crush on a canadian drag king.
it feels like healing.
all of a sudden i'm a supervisor at work.
huh.
i'm stressed out for the first time in months.
it's weird to feel that panicky feeling again.
i kinda like it.
things are constantly being shifted around.
i'm training people.
these pretty people, they trust me.
i've been staying in more.
drinking less.
spending enough time at coffee time so that the barista makes my drink as i walk in the door.
i don't know what else to say.
i know that it's repetative; i've said it so many times already in the last few months:
life is life right now.
but i'm going to canada in eleven days.
and that, my friends, feels like something good.
current music: the mess we're in - pj harvey and thom yorke
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| Monday, October 10th, 2005
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3:05 pm
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man, i haven't updated in over two months. and wow, do i feel guilty.
where do i begin...
i love my job. ahem. i love the people i work with. they are the kind of people you dream about finding after you graduate from college and take on a crap job.
i nearly pee my pants everytime i'm around them because they are so damn funny.
they've helped me through one of the hardest periods of my life thus far.
we drink and smoke and hang out in fantastically dank dive bars.
i drink pbr's, hang out with dogs, and play egyptian rat screw.
we let each other be crazy when we need to, which is quite frequent.
i'm constantly propped up by them with encouragement of my intelligence and attractiveness.
they are amazingly beautiful and incredibly different from each other.
a shopper, a rocker, a fifties pinup, a fiance and bubblegum popstar, a fellow dyke and soul-mate, a butterfly.
my job consumes my life, is my life, and more often then not,is my salvation.
i miss college, but it comes in bursts, quick lightening storms of pain. i'll catch myself imagining what it would be like on campus when i'm on a walk. soaking up the green and the path and the squirrels. i miss taking notes. answering questions. being stressed to the point of breaking in half. i miss meetings and concerts in the nail. i miss flashcards. i miss escaping campus. i miss my parking spot.
i miss meeting with professors. i miss living in close proximity to nearly everone that i love. i miss residence life. i miss free rent and utilities. and i'll admit, i miss her alot.
now i'm learning to live on my own. to embrace what i have. to hug my insecurities and my bouts of craziness. to cry. to lean on people when i need to. to escape into myself.
i'm learning to be who i am again.
i'm a reader.
a listener.
a narcissist.
a laugher.
a walker.
a spender.
a drinker.
i'm funny.
i'm dry.
i knit.
and cry in the corner.
i don't cook for myself.
i want a pug.
i wear cowboy boots.
i have rockin hair.
i say 'heck yeah' and mean it.
i'm lonely.
i get lost everytime i venture to NE portland.
i get bored.
i'm bitter.
i have a crush on the roomate of the girl i am dating.
i miss my mom and wish my dad would grow up.
i don't eat my vegetables.
i listen to sad bastard music.
i have no idea where i'm headed.
and that's enough for now.
current music: new slang - the shins
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| Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
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3:30 pm
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i can't put my finger on the right place to begin, so i'll just shove off from here.
i'll start with saturday - my birthday party day, not actual birth day, that happened on sunday. stopped off at the safeway by abby, brian, and liesl’s to pick up chinese food in preparation for an alcohol-infused evening. met a guy, erik (that's right, erik, with a "k")who possesed a cute dog, a bald head, and a master's degree in communications. i left safeway with his number and my general tsao's chicken. i will not be calling erik with a "k". i spent the remainder of the evening surprised with numerous six packs of pbr tall boys, cards, and barbie bags. liesl beat alex at a cupcake eating contest - quality. kellen asked me to go out on a date - his awkward invitation written in a cheesy birthday card complete with a restaurant business card was very him and made me a little too giddy.
sunday - braved public transportation so that i might hear of tals' fabulous utah marriage adventure. ate my first piece of fruit since i graudated - scurvy will not claim this little post-grad. lounged around at alex's until it became too unbearably muggy to function. Waiting for a bus on your birthday in the blistering sun may seem really romantic, but trust me, you feel more like a hooker staking her corner then a pretty birthday girl. one bus ride, one max ride, and one streetcar ride, and one hour later i was deposited safely back onto 23rd. first sunday i have not had to work since i began working at dosha - three months.
monday - back to work at the dosh. it's funny what my perception was of that place before i started working there. that the women at the front desk were all beautiful, a bit daft, and completely fucking secure. while they are all beautiful, they are so far from idiotic it hurts, and none of them are anywhere near secure. there are more neuroses in ten pounds of a dosha girl then you'll find in a mental ward. it's funny how the world sees them, us. i still can't figure it out exactly. but i feel like i'm back in high school, sitting at the popular table and realizing that they are just girls who don't get it, just like the rest of the kids who look over at us with that all to familiar mixture of envy and resentment glowing in their eyes.
so monday. worked until 8:30. took a different route home - away from the hordes on twenty-third. one of my favorite things about my neighborhood are the quick transitions - how quiet gives way to shouting tweens in short skirts from urban and mother's pushing babies in strollers that cost more then my monthly rent. it's much like the rest of my life right now - this shifting universe. i constantly feel as if i'm stepping into a parallel universe. what i thought of the real world has ceased to exist.
if someone would have sat me down last summer and told me "after you graduate, you're not going to move away and get a super job in a tiny town as an rd. you're going to move back to nw pdx and work at a salonspa. you're not going to be all lesbian. you might even make-out with your best-friend from highschool - the one who wrote you angsty love letters. you're taste in music will be a lot better, but you'll still jump for joy when the new nickel creek cd comes out" i would have laughed at them. probably kicked them in the shins for being such an idiot. but here i am. spending my monday evening at a dive bar called BOG, running into people from school, hanging out with my favorite dosha girl, having a biker named bob buying me pbr's. here i am on a tuesday - waking up late, vacuuming, moping, and sweeping my apartment building in order to scrape $100 off of my rent, reading a book found in the young-adult section when i was approximately 13, and listening to nickel creek in a coffee shop. And for the first time in quite awhile, being mostly content to do so.
current music: eveline - nickel creek
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| Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
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3:06 pm
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Life is life right now, I guess.
I still smoke, even though I promised I would stop following graduation.
I work at a job that takes little brain power, a lot of grooming, and the ability to make small talk in elevators. I am paid barely above minimum wage for doing this.
I am lectured about proper makeup brush maintenance.
I listen to music that is more and more obscure. Bands with one word names; lead singers who look neither male or female.
I read horrendously depressing novels. Stories about the Holocaust, POW camps in Siberia, murders in a rural town in Kansas, Dostoevsky.
I drink a lot of Diet Coke and pints of Pabst.
I barely ever drive anywhere because I hate the mind numbing activity of parking spot searching. I’ve even gone so far as to ride the bus. Public Transportation. I pay the city to drive me around because I hate parking that much.
I think the art history professor who gave me a B last semester lives near me. Thinking about a professor of east asian art history living anywhere sort of creeps me out.
I started painting my nails; an activity I have rarely participated in since eighth grade. Currently they are the same color as my toenails, mauve.
A man was stabbed in the back yesterday by a homeless man. One block away from my work, and three from my home. Five minutes after I walked by. The bubble that I lived in for the past four years burst. I was scared walking home because the attacker had yet to be caught. I locked my door and spent all afternoon on the phone with my mom. My protector. Even if she does live twelve hours away.
And I met a girl; one who I feel rather ambivalent about. But I hate feeling lonely.
current music: lamb - gabriel
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| Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
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10:48 am
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my posts will most likely become more sporadic then usual as i have no internet at my studio and i'm taking my little computer with me today.
my apartment on campus is empty, save for my computer, printer, phone, and an enormous pile of mahria's things. i came to campus motivated to get everything out today. now, i just want to walk away.
like so many things right now, i'd just like to turn away. the real world is nice like that, you don't look back or forward. it's about getting the present done. i can do that.
i just discovered that my best friend from home is moving to detroit today. the last tangible part of my teenage life in helena is finally leaving. perhaps that's what i'm so afraid of. picking up the last tangible bits of my life at LC and handing my keys over to sandi. i don't want to be purged so quickly from the system.
for now, i'll write sandi an e-mail and tell her that i still have things in my apartment. that it will probably take until the end of june to get everything out. it's not a desperate thing; i'm not clinging to college. i just want to hold on a bit longer.
current music: like spinning plates - radiohead
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| Thursday, June 9th, 2005
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5:05 pm
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| Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
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6:54 am
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I should update.
Like I mentioned in my last post, I got a job as a telemarketer.
Then I got fired/quit. That was fun.
So, the job search continued. I got a job two days later. At Dosha (salonspa). Now, I'm a Dosha girl...which is just mildly uncomfortable.
I actually start today. Dress code all black.
Sad bit : no facial piercings. Took my monroe out yesterday. My face is sad: 
Right now, I'm housesitting for Sachiko. I stay at her house and play with her dog. It's nice, but they have an alarm system which scares me (alarms scare me in general). I left early this morning (I hate taking showers in other people's bathrooms) and I had to disarm the alarm. God, I hope I didn't set it off. I also hope I didn't do something incredible wrong.
I applied for a studio in NW. I find out today if I get it. I'm nervous, because while I have credit, I'm not sure if it constitutes "good" credit. We'll see.
That's me right now. I'm trying not to stress. To spend time with my friends and my girl. Not drink too much. Not smoke too much. and just be for a while.
current mood:  blank
current music: 107.5
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| Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
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8:23 pm
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Today, I got my first job post graduation. I'm a telemarketer. A glorified one, but a telemarketere nonetheless. I sell senior portraits to highschool kids.
I really doubt that I'll last long.
A) I can't sit still for 5 hours in a row.
B) I hate feeling like I'm pushing something onto people.
C) I'm not tenacious (that's what Sue my boss wants) enough.
D) I don't like competition. Being compared with Chelsea (not Chelsea, but Chel-sa, who wears goucho pants) who booked 7 folks tonight to my ZERO).
E) I really don't enjoy being talked down to - Sue told me the exact same "sales tips" (pressuring)three different times in two hours. I heard her the first time.
But hey, even if I last three days, that'll be some money in my pocket.
Really, it just makes me think. About the kids on the other end of the line. Will they go to the football games of their Senior year? Will they make it into their first choice college? Will they go to college? Do they drive fast cars and get drunk at silly parties? I'd like to tell them that none of it freaking matters. That senior portraits are basically bullshit and no one will give a crap what they looked like at 18 in 20 years (except for themselves).
Anyway, that said and done, I'm officially on track to being a bitter college graduate.
current music: cannonball - damien rice
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| Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
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10:42 pm - my bellys name is puffy
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Last art history exam ever in t-minus 9.5 hours.
Just beginning to study.
ugh.
and my acid reflux is acting up again. dani said i should name my belly because it's so big that it doesn't look like it's mine. i named it puffy.
that is all for now.
current music: j'y suis jamais alle - yann tiersan
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| Monday, May 2nd, 2005
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11:31 pm
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I am so tired that it hurts. Literally hurts. My body just aches.
I have three more finals and I all I can think of is Thursday when I'm going to sleep all day.
For now, I'm going to take some advil, crawl into bed, and hope to wake up around 5AM to resume studying. Is it wrong if I just stop trying to memorize Japanese names? I hope not, because there are too many z's, and ij's to handle right now.
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| Saturday, April 30th, 2005
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9:53 pm
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You know how this works. Ask me to interview you...and yeah, I'll interview you.
As for now, here are my answers from miss abby.
1. If you had to give up soda (including Diet Coke and any equivalent) or cigarettes for the rest of your life, which one would you give up and why?
I would give up cigarettes. They are much more expensive, more detrimental to your health, and considered to be less socially acceptable then downing 6 sodas a day.
2. What do you see as the biggest internal change you have experience in college?
It's hard to pinpoint one thing. I look back and I barely recognize myself. I guess I can sum it all up with acceptance. I finally feel happy about who I am. Don't get me wrong, there are still days which are hard, but I no longer hate myself.
3. If money were no object, what would your life look like (i.e., where would you live? what would you do?)
I don't think I would be as anxiety-ridden. I know money doesn't change anything, but I could stop worrying about everything. I would have a car that worked. I could travel. Buy things for my friends. Not worry about spending $50 on a pair of shoes. I wouldn't feel horrible asking my mom for money, because I wouldn't need to. I would probably be less angry at my dad.
I would probably live in a few places. Here for one, because it's really home. I'd like a house in Maine. And one in London. I'd drive a vintage black Jaguar. I would have a Burberry Backpack. And a dog named Pervis.
4. We all have bad habits, but we also all have good ones, what do you think is your best habit?
I was going to say trust, but, honestly that's just bullshit. I don't know. It's hard for me to look at myself and think "wow, you've got the best habits", because I don't. I guess I'm super punctual which is good.
5. Do you ever want to get another tattoo/piercing and if so, what/where?
Yes! If only I had the money. First on the list is a tattoo that says: Omnia mea mecum porto. It's a Cicero quote which means "all that is mine, I carry with me". I want it on my left wrist. I think it just sums up my life so perfectly.
Second I would like to gauge my ears (not huge, but a little). I'd like an industrial as well. But overall, I think I'm on the way out of the piercing phase and moving into the more permanent stuff.
ps. Anna Nalick is my new favourite musician. WOW. She's like Jewel except not stupid.
current music: anna nalick - catalyst.
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